Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Walking Home

Sometime, perhaps a week ago, I managed to coax Raghav to get out of the house with me.....just a few errands around our's been long since he stepped out of the house just like that with me...

The wind was strong that day, catching us in the gap between the two tall buildings, pushing us and whisking us. We smiled....we laughed....and held hands as we walked through it, with it, together.

"Amma, the wind has woken me up.....I was feeling sleepy before we came down....but now I am awake and so full of energy....I love the way the wind is pushing me," he said, his face lighting up like a bulb.

A few minutes later, we were at the office to hand over the cheque for maintenance. Grim, morose men looked at us. A few minutes later, overhearing a part of the conversation, I realised that they were in the midst of some argument of sorts....someone was being pulled up for something they had done or not done. I waited for the receipt and walked out with my son, thanking them with a smile. There were no smiles repaid.

We decided to take a peek at the clubhouse to see if the swimming pool renovation had been completed. While we were walking there, Raghav suddenly told me this: "Amma, I was feeling very tired at that office. I don't know why. But just before that I was feeling so fresh with the wind."

Words rose up to flow out. But something made me stop. I held them back and simply listened to him, acknowledging what he had shared with a simple nod of my head.

What was I trying to achieve by wanting to share my interpretations and opinions?
Why should I put thoughts into his head?
Why should I get him into this whole mind game of wondering why he felt that way, finding reasons, etc.?
That was all part of my drama. I needn't drag him in.
These were the thoughts that filled me. And I simply stayed with them.

Yes, I do have a sense of what happens with him. I've felt that for many years....that he is very sensitive to the energies of people around him and has kept away from some people because of that, although we have never talked about it. I simply trusted him and his sensing and didn't force him to explore things and places that he didn't want to. But I don't need to tell him all this. These are my feelings. I want him to develop his own sense of listening to his own body.

Funny that this happens at a time when I am myself reviewing spaces that I am in......looking at my motivations and interests, whether I really want to be somewhere, how I feel in my body in those spaces....and sifting and cleaning up the spaces around me and within me. I am learning to listen to my body all over again, and to see how my mind comes in the way of that.

And it looks like we are on the same journey - me and him......our starting points may be different....but we are always walking each other home.