Monday, July 27, 2015

Don't pack your worries, pack your trust

We were in the car this morning, on our way to my parents' house for the ceremony to be done at the  end of the first month after my father's passing. Raghav usually wakes up very late in the morning and today I had to wake him up much earlier than usual. He was a bit grumpy about that and took time to get ready.

Since we had no time to talk about the menu for the day and so on, I had already made his lunch, which I thought I would take with us, so he could have it there if he wanted to. But when I asked him, he said that he would come back home earlier than he had the last time and eat lunch at home. So he did not want me to pack anything for him. Well I, anticipating trouble and a possible meltdown as it usually happened when his routine got disrupted and when he couldn't pay attention to his body, decided to pack a few snacks and his lunch anyway. As we were leaving the house, he asked me why I was doing that, as he had already told me his plan. I was in a rush to leave and so brushed it aside saying that it would not do us any harm to just carry a few things along anyway.....'just in case'!

While in the car, he asked me again as to why I had packed food for him. And for the first time, I was able to share with him all the thoughts that were going on inside me honestly and minutely. I realised as I was speaking to him, that I had not packed food for him...I had packed my worries. Here is what I told him:
"I know you told me not to pack anything, but I was worried and anxious as to what might happen later if you suddenly felt hungry....often you have jumped and screamed and asked for things to be made and given in an instant, or been particular about what you wanted to eat, refusing to eat what was available. So I thought that it was better to be prepared for that, as I was scared that I would not be able to handle that if it happened."

R: "But I already told you that I didn't need anything no? I understand that I can't have that even if I want it...."

Me: "Yes, right now you understand. But at that moment when you are so hungry, you might not be in a position to understand no? Or your understanding might change.....or you might change your mind."

R: "But I was prepared for that."

Me: "So are you telling me that I didn't trust you and that I should trust you when you say that and not pack anything for you when you don't want me to?"

R: "Yes."

I realised then that what I had packed was not food but my worries and my fears....and here he was asking me to pack trust! I was filled with the anxiety and fear of how I might not have control over something that could happen, and that fear was stopping me from experiencing what Life was perhaps bringing me, was stopping me from experiencing a lightness, joy and ease.

And like it usually happens with him, the end is never an ideal fairy-tale end to another beautiful story....the kind that most people (like me) would anticipate. It was an end that was the beginning of yet another mystery in some ways....for he did change his mind when we got there, and had the lunch that I had packed! :)

Looking back now, yes, I had made a choice based on a pattern that was already sitting inside me....a choice which brought up a fear....but it was also a choice that brought me back to look at another part of myself....because I chose to look at it as I chose to listen to my son and feel a 'rightness' in what he was sharing or bringing up. Yes, I always have a choice as to what I want to look at in a given moment. But do I want to see that? Would I ever come to know which choice would have been right or wrong? Does that even matter really? Or does it matter only that I am open to seeing more....more of myself?

And maybe that is what trust is about....
It is what emerges when I make a choice-less choice in the moment...when I go out ready to be molded and shaped by life.